Six Months of Grief: The Gold Star families of the 13 killed in the Kabul Airport attack
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Six Months of Grief: The Gold Star families of the 13 killed in the Kabul Airport attack
In their own words, the pain from making the ultimate sacrifice in Afghanistan
Six months ago today, Americans were devastated when 13 service members were killed by an ISIS-K suicide bomber at Hamid Karzai International Airport in Kabul. Four days later, the U.S. withdrew from Afghanistan after a 20-year war.
It may seem to the public that these events happened a long time ago. But it is a very present pain for the families and friends of the 13 who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. Six months is no time when dealing with a sudden and early death. The Gold Star families are in what’s called “deep grief” or “complicated grief.”
We — Emily and Cheyenne McCollum, who is the Gold Star sister of fallen Marine Rylee McCollum — want to honor the families by giving them a place to share their struggles getting through each day since Aug. 26, 2021.
We gave the families a bunch of questions and asked them to respond to whatever they chose.
**Read all the questions we posed in this article: What to say to someone grieving **
Below, read directly from the grieving families who participated in this project on sharing memories and the reality of their grieving process. These are in alphabetical order.
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. David L. Espinoza, 20, of Rio Bravo, Texas
Elizabeth Holguin - Mother
What traits do you miss the most?
Elizabeth: His smile, his huge heart, his laugh. His dedication to accomplish all his dreams. Everything he put his mind to.
If you could put your grief into words, how would you explain it?
Elizabeth: The worst pain a mother can go through. A continued pain with no end in sight. As a mother, a piece of my heart is missing.
What helps you on your hard days?
Elizabeth: Every day without him is hard. Working, trying to keep busy — if not, it's all I think about.
What do you miss doing together?
Elizabeth: Holidays were always filled with so much love and laughter with him. We would sit and cuddle.
What is your favorite memory?
Elizabeth: One of my favorite memories of my son is his graduation. The day he became a United States Marine — how proud he was, how handsome he looked in uniform.
What do you miss the most?
Elizabeth: Him, I miss him...his voice, his hugs, his “I love you, Mom!”
How can people support you in the grieving process?
Elizabeth: They have and continue to support me by remembering the great, unselfish, young man he was and never forgetting him. Lance Corporal David Lee Espinoza, say his name.
Marine Corps Staff Sgt. D. Taylor Hoover, 31, of Salt Lake City, Utah
[Editor’s note: Staff Sgt. Hoover always went by his middle name, Taylor. #saytheirname]
Kelly Barnett, Mother
What do you miss most?
Kelly: It’s hard to put into words all I miss about Taylor, there is so much. I miss his face! I miss his voice, his laugh, his smell (not back from the field smell but his natural smell lol!).
I miss the banter (he is hilarious and quick). I miss the glare of those gorgeous blue eyes. I miss our morning talks while he drove into work at Pendleton (we’d discuss the good and bad with his men and his superiors. The funny and the exhausting. His wins and his defeats.)
I miss the prayers we would say together and the words of encouragement passed back and forth. I miss his insightfulness. I miss his advice. I miss how he would say, “I love you, Momma.” I miss his beautiful soul!
What is your favorite memory?
Kelly: My favorite and most precious memory of my life: It was Easter 2011. The girls and I drove down to 29 Palms to pick up Taylor for the weekend. He hadn’t driven a vehicle in three months, so he was excited to drive. He drove 100 mph through that crazy desert— hitting each hill at 110 mph so we’d bounce off the ceiling! Music blaring and all of us laughing hysterically for hours.
His adrenaline finally calmed, and so Momma took over driving. The song “Good Life” came on, and I looked around the car and all three of my kids were fast asleep. I have to say that was the happiest, safest, most comforting day of my existence. I was so happy and content. A moment I will cherish forever.
Did you have nicknames for each other?
Kelly: He started calling me Momma Bear when he was about 15 or so. He gave me a silver bracelet a few years ago that says Momma Bear and has a bear on it. It was either Momma Bear or just Momma at the top of his lungs. I have a few nicknames for Taylor. I call him Booty or Baby Boy. His sisters call him Bubba, and his nieces call him Uncle Bubba.
Nicole Weiss, Fiancée
What helps you on your hard days?
Nicole: Loving on our dog, Ares. He and Taylor saved each other in every way possible. So when I see Ares, I see the best parts of Taylor. He’s saved me throughout this nightmare. I don’t know what I would do without him!
What do you miss doing together?
Nicole: I miss doing everything with Taylor; we always called ourselves dependently independent on each other. Our favorite way to spend time together was at home with our three animals, cooking together and watching “Hell’s Kitchen”.
More than anything, I miss how we would talk about our future constantly. The wedding we were planning to have, where we wanted to live, how we wanted to decorate the house, the animals we would have (they were even named) — seeing his face light up every time we added a new plan for our future was something so incredible to see.
What is your favorite memory?
Nicole: There are too many to count- but I’d have to say our first time meeting and our first kiss. As we met each other on a dating app, we met in a Target parking lot before going to dinner.
After some smack talking beforehand, Taylor walked right up to me and kissed me. That’s the exact moment I knew he was something incredibly special. I haven’t been able to look at Target the same since!
Did you have nicknames for each other?
Nicole: We called each other “baby cakes”.
What do you miss most?
Nicole: His laugh and sense of humor. We were always laughing and poking fun at each other- it was our love language for sure. We had fun doing absolutely anything, and his ability to find the sarcasm and humor in whatever was going on was something I looked forward to on a daily basis.
He’s truly one of a kind, and I miss him more than I could ever put into words.
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Rylee J. McCollum, 20, of Jackson, Wyoming
Cheyenne McCollum, Co-author and Sister
What trait do you miss the most?
Cheyenne: I miss Rylee’s confidence. It allowed him to be his natural goofy self with no shame. He brought endless laughs and smiles to anyone who knew him.
If you could put your grief into words, how would you explain it?
Cheyenne: I feel out of place in life. No matter where I go, or what I’m doing, it never feels quite right. I’m missing a piece of myself.
Did you have nicknames for each other?
Cheyenne: I called Ry, Brotato. He is in my phone as Brotato chip.
What helps you on your hard days?
Cheyenne: My family. Roice, Gigi, my fiancé and my Dad. My daughter Asher and niece Levi. The little ones keep the world spinning most days. I am so grateful to have the family and friends, old and new, that I do in my corner.
How can people help?
This GoFundMe— Rest Easy USMC Rylee McCollum— is for my brother’s daughter Levi, who is 5 months old now, his wife and Family.
Jim McCollum — Father
What trait Do you miss the most?
Jim: I miss Rylee's ability to make others feel good about themselves...even when they didn't see it.
If you could put your grief into words, how would you explain it?
Jim: My grief is constant and ever-evolving — Sometimes making me stronger. Other times make me look at myself and know that I need to be/do better.
What helps you on your hard days?
Jim: Writing...purging the thoughts and emotions.
What do you miss doing together?
Jim: I miss the conversations and listening to Rylee's stories.
What is your favorite memory?
Jim: My favorite memories change repeatedly. Our last Christmas together is fairly constant.
What do you miss most?
Jim: I miss knowing that I will see him again and hear his voice and laughter.
How can people support you in the grieving process?
Jim: Be present. Understand that this is all new to me/us. I am going to be sad and angry...intentions are pure, but how I release those emotions are not in the softest way sometimes. Believe in me and remember their names.
Marine Corps Cpl. Daegan W. Page, 23, of Omaha, Nebraska
Wendy Adelson, Mother
What trait do you miss the most?
Wendy: I miss Dae's humor; hearing his laugh and his voice
If you could put your grief into words, how would you explain it?
Wendy: The right words don't come easy to explain my grief right now. It is a never-ending feeling that at times is deep inside and at times right on the surface.
Some moments it seems this can't be real. Then there are moments where it slaps you in the face of how real this is.
What helps you on your hard days?
Wendy: On hard days I always try to stop and pause to think about what would Dae want me to do or say.
I lean on my family and friends to keep it together on the hard days. While I have an amazing support network of family and friends. My husband, sons and Daegan's girlfriend are along on every step of this journey and that helps on the hard days to know we are not alone. My parents and siblings are always just a call away if the day is hard, and I need to talk.
Additionally, through the years of being a Marine mom and then through this tragedy, I have made some strong bonds with a few other Gold Star moms and Marine moms, they are always there to listen, cry, and laugh on the hard days.
To summarize, take a pause to think about Daegan and what he would expect me to do and good people that is what helps me most on hard days.
What do you miss doing together?
Wendy: I miss talking with Daegan. Be it on the phone, through video, in a chat, or just hanging out when he would be home on leave. I miss hearing his voice, his funny comments, his serious discussion with me, just talking.
What is your favorite memory?
Wendy: There are so many memories, and I truly don't have a favorite. One that often pops into my head is a fun day shopping. We stopped by a thrift store to rummage around and he approached me and posed wearing a fur coat, a funny hat, and a sly smile.
What do you miss most?
Wendy: The most is him coming up behind me and hugging me with his chin on my head. However, those moments were limited during the last four years while he was in the Marine Corp.
So next on the list is the ding of a text alert or the ring of the Duo to find it was him checking in.
More than that, I miss having him here. Daegan was so close to being home. He had plans for his future. I miss that I will not see him move those plans into action.
How can people support you in the grieving process?
Wendy: Say Daegan's name and talk about him to share his impact on you with others
Be kind and realize that our entire world crashed down in a moment and each day is a new day. We will smile, we will cry, we will be happy and we will be sad, but be there by our side as we go through this journey. We will never be the same however we will do good for others in Daegan's name, join us!
For a look at our efforts to do good in Daegan's name and help others "Do things the Daegan Way" visit daeganpage.org
Greg Page, Father
What trait do you miss the most?
Greg: His humor. He was always quick with his wit.
If you could put your grief into words, how would you explain it?
Greg: It hits you at the strangest times. Sometimes the things that you think will get to you don’t, and small things will sometimes take your breath away and stay with you the rest of the day.
What helps you on your hard days?
Greg: The pride we have in who Daegan was and what he was doing for others.
What do you miss doing together?
Greg: Spending time outdoors, whether on the lake, hunting, or just hanging out.
What do you miss most?
Greg: Seeing him with his brothers and sister. He loved them and it was always fun and happiness
Jessica Ellison, Girlfriend
What trait do you miss the most?
Jessica: His ability to make anyone smile, in any situation. In your worst moments, he was the one that could make you crack a smile.
If you could put your grief into words, how would you explain it?
Jessica: A huge piece of my heart is missing now, and it physically feels that way most days. It’s like trying to catch your breath but your chest feels so empty.
What helps you on your hard days?
Jessica: Knowing that I’m never alone. Whether it’s my family and friends, his family and friends, the other Gold Star families, or just strangers that care and have continued to reach out. If I need someone, I know there is always someone there for me.
What do you miss the most?
Jessica: Him. Everything about him. Talking about our future together, laughing together. He was the best part of me.
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Jared M. Schmitz, 20, of St. Louis, Missouri
Sue Schmitz, Mother
What do you miss most?
I miss him, I miss everything about him. Jared was a big goofball his whole life, he was always being silly, always smiling, always dancing, and he had the most infectious laugh. I miss hearing his voice, I miss hearing "I love you momma", and I miss him telling me I was the best mom in the world. I miss all the letters he used to write to me, I miss his hugs, his huge heart, his sweetness, and his shyness. I just miss him...all of him!!
If you could put your grief into words, how would you describe it?
It's difficult to put into words, it's unique, it's like nothing I've ever experienced before. I've lost both of my parents, my mom just two years before this happened, and as much as I adore both of them, grieving their loss almost seems like it was easy in comparison.
I don't think anything can possibly compare to the pain of losing a child. To say it's been a rollercoaster of emotions would be putting it mildly. The heartbreak and the pain is so deep and so searing that it's crippling. At times I feel like I'm slowly becoming paralyzed, it robs me of my energy, and most days, it feels like I can't breathe.
Some days the anger makes me feel like I'm going to explode, my whole body starts to tingle and my arms and legs start to go numb. The shock and disbelief can throw me into a full panic attack, and the sadness and hopelessness often make me wish I wasn't here anymore.
I immediately recognized that I would never recover from this, I think I'm just getting better at managing it. I'm not putting any expectations on myself though...just taking things day by day.
UPDATES:
Feb. 28- This story is updated with Jared Schmit’s mom. Jared would have turned 21 years old on Feb. 25.
We invite all the Gold Star families who want to participate and will update this story as they email or call us. Just check back at this link.
SAY THEIR NAMES
The 13 service members who were killed while supporting Operation Freedom’s Sentinel on Aug. 26, 2021, in alphabetical order:
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. David Lee Espinoza, 20, of Rio Bravo, Texas.
Marine Corps Sgt. Nicole L. Gee, 23, of Sacramento, California.
Marine Corps Staff Sgt. Taylor Hoover, 31, of Salt Lake City, Utah.
Army Staff Sgt. Ryan C. Knauss, 23, of Corryton, Tennessee.
Marine Corps Cpl. Hunter Lopez, 22, of Indio, California.
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Rylee J. McCollum, 20, of Jackson, Wyoming.
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Dylan R. Merola, 20, of Rancho Cucamonga, California.
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Kareem M. Nikoui, 20, of Norco, California.
Marine Corps Cpl. Daegan W. Page, 23, of Omaha, Nebraska.
Marine Corps Sgt. Johanny Rosario Pichardo, 25, of Lawrence, Massachusetts.
Marine Corps Cpl. Humberto A. Sanchez, 22, of Logansport, Indiana.
Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Jared M. Schmitz, 20, of St. Louis, Missouri.
Navy Hospitalman Maxton W. Soviak, 22, of Berlin Heights, Ohio
What to say to someone who is grieving:
You can help the grieving Gold Star families by leaving comments below for them to know you support them and remember the fallen who sacrificed for us to be free.
If you know the Gold Star families personally, ask about their loved ones who died. Say his/her name. Let them talk. If you don’t know what to ask, here’s a guide with suggested questions:
To the readers, I promised the Gold Star families that nobody is profiting from this project. I have no advertisers or sponsors. The pages on my website about them will never have a paywall. This is simply a way to honor those who fought and died so that we can be free.
Please share this story so all Americans think today to remember the 13 fallen on Aug. 26.
To my paid subscribers, Thank you for funding my reporting and letting me do this important work this week.
To Cheyenne McCollum: Thank you for your dedication, hard work, careful eye and compassionate heart. I’m honored to do this story with you. I look forward to reading more from you. -Emily
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Six Months of Grief: The Gold Star families of the 13 killed in the Kabul Airport attack
I'm a "retired" USAF Master Sergeant. I worked on aircraft and did some "sandbox" time many years ago. Every day I was over there, I tried to do my best job because I knew that there were young Americans who needed our support on the pointy end of the spear, as the saying goes. I'm no hero, I just went and did my job. Those 13 young folks, they're the heroes. It truly does break my heart to know what happened to them, and countless others who served in OEF and OIF. My their memories be a blessing to their friends and family. I'm sorry that this is all I've got.
Hard to read. Thanks Emily, well done.