This is an important topic. When I buried my Mom. I was able to get one statement that rang true for me, and is what I tell anyone who loses someone: "I wish you strength for today." Simply put, when someone is dying, and you have 1000 decisions to make on their behalf, you get so tired, and I was tired when I got that statement. It got me through the rough days. I just needed strength for that one day, and I would say that prayer/mantra/positive affirmation until the day I buried my Mom. So I wish those who need it: Strength for today. Thanks for tackling this topic Emily. Blessings!
I lost both my son's, I felt like I had the plague, everybody said if you need anything just say so!! That's a lie nobody would have lunch with me they would quit talking if I sat at a table with them, I finally had to say to them I'm hurting Its ok for you to say my son's names, yes I will cry !! But that's ok I just need you to be there for me!! Personally asking those questions is wrong, sometimes I want to talk about my boys and sometimes I just want to talk anything but not my grief or my boys!!! This journey of grief is like being on a boat in the ocean some days waves are smooth and calm and other days it's like a hurricane!! With grief you never know what ocean will be each day!! What helped me was being on compassionate friends phone list to talk to other parents!! Me helping others helped me with my grief!!
I lost my wife of 20 years almost 5 years ago, and to be honest I don’t think that anything anyone says helps in overcoming grief. I went to grief counseling and talked about her and tried to come to terms, but to be honest I never got over her death and I began to go down hill the last 5 years and I have mental health issues so that doesn’t help either. In 5 years I have never met another woman who to me exemplified my wife’s outgoing personality and her love of everyone. Thank you Emily for everything you do, I read everything you email me and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I wish that I could have met you and given you a hug because I really need that right now.
In my experience and talking to other families who went through a death. Specifically losing a love one in war. People want to help but don’t know what to say and think it’s taboo to mention the love one because it will bring pain to the family and you don’t want to remind them of their loss. Again in my experience people want to talk about their love one they want people to know about them and discuss the good times and the quirks. Believe me they are going to cry anyway and that love one is never not on their mind. At least it’s true for me.
What was He like
I cried and cursed lost my breath
When i heard about His death
Tears always well in my eyes
Knowing I lost a Son… America lost one of the good guys
thinking about the pain... my family would feel
I didn't want to believe it was real
What do I say.....how do I act
When I know my Son will never come Back
I wanted people to say
So I can talk about him everyday
What was He like?....can you tell me all about Him?
Did he Hunt... did he fish... Did he like to swim
What was he like... I would love to hear more
any time you need to talk knock on my door
What was he Like?
Was His smile larger than life did he laugh and tell jokes
Lord why can't this be a bad dream a nasty hoax
What was he like
Was he the Captain of the team
Was he every girls dream
I heard He was Prom King?
Tell me everything
What was he like.
Did he love His family....I am certain he did
What was your favorite memory when He was a Kid
How was He as a teen
Did He treat His Mom like a queen
I bet his Dad was a proud Father
I bet he was not to much a bother
A better brother he couldn't be
I know his brother and sisters would agree
Wow he sounds amazing now I have a new role model for my daughter and Son
I often don't know what to say when a friend looses a loved one. As a former VP of a Union, I often used to go to funerals for members and was often at a loss for words. This is a good guide to use in life. Thanks for putting it out there and you are correct, it is a very important subject.
I publish a Daily Devotional on Facebook and on another website. Here's what I'm publishing tomorrow, for what it's worth: Some parts may be useful to you. I like your article on the Gold Star Families.
Death benefits
We think of those as being things like life insurance, legacies, wills, and so on that are left to the survivors after someone has died.
But Paul had an entirely different take on that subject. He said in Philippians 1: 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Death for him would be gain??? He elaborates on that in the next two verses and describes the mental struggle he goes through.
22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.
John Piper put together five reasons death is gain in one of his devotional emails. Here is what he said.
“1) Our spirits will be made perfect (Hebrews 12:22-23).
There will be no more sin in us. We will be done with the inner war and the heartrending disappointments of offending the Lord who loved us and gave himself for us.”
“2) We will be relieved of the pain of this world (Luke 16:25).
The joy of the resurrection will not yet be ours, but the joy of freedom from pain will be. Jesus tells the story of Lazarus and the rich man to show the great reversal that is coming.”
“3) We will be given profound rest in our soul (Revelation 6:9-11).
There will be a serenity beneath the eye and care of God that surpasses anything we have known here on the softest summer evening by the most peaceful lake at our most happy moments.”
“4) We will experience a deep at-homeness (2 Corinthians 5:8).
The whole human race is homesick for God, without knowing it. When we go home to Christ there will be a contentment beyond any sense of security and peace we have ever known.”
“5) We will be with Christ (Philippians 1:21–23).
Christ is a more wonderful person than anyone on earth. He is wiser, stronger, and kinder than anyone you enjoy spending time with. He is endlessly interesting. He knows exactly what to do and what to say at every moment to make his guests as glad as they can possibly be. He overflows in love and with infinite insight into how to use that love to make his loved ones feel loved.”
Does that mean we should all commit suicide? Absolutely not. Remember what Paul said. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me…24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.
God has us here on earth for a reason, to carry out specific tasks, and will place us wherever He wants us to be to do those jobs. Paul’s focus was on carrying out the work God gave him to do here on earth. That job was to disciple the people God put him into contact with. That was the fruitful labor that kept him going. His focus was not on himself and his own needs, but on the spiritual welfare of the Philippians, the Colossians, the Thessalonians, the Romans, and anyone else with whom he had been in contact.
Now, in so doing, he was building up treasure in heaven. He was building up God’s Kingdom here on earth. He was not conquering real estate with armies and tanks and planes. He was winning people over to Christ wherever he was.
God talks about this kind of people in Daniel 12: 2 Many of those who sleep in the dust of the ground will awake, these to everlasting life, but the others to disgrace and everlasting contempt. 3 Those who have insight will shine brightly like the brightness of the expanse of heaven, and those who lead the many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever.
Some people will be resurrected to everlasting life, to rewards, to glory. Others will be resurrected to everlasting contempt, to shame, to disapproval. Jesus said in Matthew 10: 32 “Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. 33 But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven.
Bottom line for us is that we will receive benefits from God when we die. Will Jesus be glad to commend us before the Father and the angels and the other saints in heaven? Will we shine like the stars? Or will He condemn us? Will we be ashamed because when God said “Who will go for us” we tried to ignore that call. Or worse yet, we compromised our relationship with Christ by caving in to pressure from the world?
Paul worked hard for that crown he looked forward to receiving. He ran the race God set before him for all he was worth. True, his eyes were on people. But he was looking at them through God’s eyes, looking for ways to lead many to righteousness.
What will your death benefits be?
Malachi 3: 16 Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD gave attention and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the LORD and who esteem His name. 17 “They will be Mine,” says the LORD of hosts, “on the day that I prepare My own possession, and I will spare them as a man spares his own son who serves him.” 18 So you will again distinguish between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve Him.
Widowed 8 months. Your list of questions is perfect. We want to talk about our spouses. The two questions that meant the most to me in 8 months were: "What do you miss the most?" and, "Tell me about J_______."
Emily, overall I think this is a good start and I'm glad you consider this a living, breathing discussion. A lot of times, people dealing with this kind of grief due to loss have trouble taking care of some of the basics. Maybe they need someone to get them groceries, cook dinner, mow their lawn, go through their mail. I think it is appropriate to offer to do those things, better than just a vague offer like "let me know if you need help with anything."
I know this is a post about death, but there are other kinds of loss/grief that are of similar importance. Divorce/breakups, job loss, medical issues that take away one's capabilities. Personally, when we found out our daughter was autistic, many people did not know how to respond to that. We got a lot of inappropriate platitudes. If anything, people who want to help should avoid platitudes that make them feel good because they probably don't mean much to the griever. If one does not know what to say, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "I don't really know what to say but I am here to listen." That goes a long way.
This is an important topic. When I buried my Mom. I was able to get one statement that rang true for me, and is what I tell anyone who loses someone: "I wish you strength for today." Simply put, when someone is dying, and you have 1000 decisions to make on their behalf, you get so tired, and I was tired when I got that statement. It got me through the rough days. I just needed strength for that one day, and I would say that prayer/mantra/positive affirmation until the day I buried my Mom. So I wish those who need it: Strength for today. Thanks for tackling this topic Emily. Blessings!
These questions were developed for this article on the six month anniversary of the Kabul airport attack that killed 13 of our young service members. The Gold Star families shared their grief in answers to these questions: https://www.emilypostnews.com/p/six-months-of-grief-the-gold-star?utm_source=url
I lost both my son's, I felt like I had the plague, everybody said if you need anything just say so!! That's a lie nobody would have lunch with me they would quit talking if I sat at a table with them, I finally had to say to them I'm hurting Its ok for you to say my son's names, yes I will cry !! But that's ok I just need you to be there for me!! Personally asking those questions is wrong, sometimes I want to talk about my boys and sometimes I just want to talk anything but not my grief or my boys!!! This journey of grief is like being on a boat in the ocean some days waves are smooth and calm and other days it's like a hurricane!! With grief you never know what ocean will be each day!! What helped me was being on compassionate friends phone list to talk to other parents!! Me helping others helped me with my grief!!
I lost my wife of 20 years almost 5 years ago, and to be honest I don’t think that anything anyone says helps in overcoming grief. I went to grief counseling and talked about her and tried to come to terms, but to be honest I never got over her death and I began to go down hill the last 5 years and I have mental health issues so that doesn’t help either. In 5 years I have never met another woman who to me exemplified my wife’s outgoing personality and her love of everyone. Thank you Emily for everything you do, I read everything you email me and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I wish that I could have met you and given you a hug because I really need that right now.
This such a thoughtful article on a life experience that impacts all of us. Thank you Emily
In my experience and talking to other families who went through a death. Specifically losing a love one in war. People want to help but don’t know what to say and think it’s taboo to mention the love one because it will bring pain to the family and you don’t want to remind them of their loss. Again in my experience people want to talk about their love one they want people to know about them and discuss the good times and the quirks. Believe me they are going to cry anyway and that love one is never not on their mind. At least it’s true for me.
What was He like
I cried and cursed lost my breath
When i heard about His death
Tears always well in my eyes
Knowing I lost a Son… America lost one of the good guys
thinking about the pain... my family would feel
I didn't want to believe it was real
What do I say.....how do I act
When I know my Son will never come Back
I wanted people to say
So I can talk about him everyday
What was He like?....can you tell me all about Him?
Did he Hunt... did he fish... Did he like to swim
What was he like... I would love to hear more
any time you need to talk knock on my door
What was he Like?
Was His smile larger than life did he laugh and tell jokes
Lord why can't this be a bad dream a nasty hoax
What was he like
Was he the Captain of the team
Was he every girls dream
I heard He was Prom King?
Tell me everything
What was he like.
Did he love His family....I am certain he did
What was your favorite memory when He was a Kid
How was He as a teen
Did He treat His Mom like a queen
I bet his Dad was a proud Father
I bet he was not to much a bother
A better brother he couldn't be
I know his brother and sisters would agree
Wow he sounds amazing now I have a new role model for my daughter and Son
I have to compliment you sir on a job well done
That’s what we want to hear!!!!
So I can talk about him all year!!!
I often don't know what to say when a friend looses a loved one. As a former VP of a Union, I often used to go to funerals for members and was often at a loss for words. This is a good guide to use in life. Thanks for putting it out there and you are correct, it is a very important subject.
Thank you E he is 88 veteran army ranger paratrooper of Korean War served his county and family
Very good Em. You’re an amazing journalist. God Bless
I publish a Daily Devotional on Facebook and on another website. Here's what I'm publishing tomorrow, for what it's worth: Some parts may be useful to you. I like your article on the Gold Star Families.
Death benefits
We think of those as being things like life insurance, legacies, wills, and so on that are left to the survivors after someone has died.
But Paul had an entirely different take on that subject. He said in Philippians 1: 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Death for him would be gain??? He elaborates on that in the next two verses and describes the mental struggle he goes through.
22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.
John Piper put together five reasons death is gain in one of his devotional emails. Here is what he said.
“1) Our spirits will be made perfect (Hebrews 12:22-23).
There will be no more sin in us. We will be done with the inner war and the heartrending disappointments of offending the Lord who loved us and gave himself for us.”
“2) We will be relieved of the pain of this world (Luke 16:25).
The joy of the resurrection will not yet be ours, but the joy of freedom from pain will be. Jesus tells the story of Lazarus and the rich man to show the great reversal that is coming.”
“3) We will be given profound rest in our soul (Revelation 6:9-11).
There will be a serenity beneath the eye and care of God that surpasses anything we have known here on the softest summer evening by the most peaceful lake at our most happy moments.”
“4) We will experience a deep at-homeness (2 Corinthians 5:8).
The whole human race is homesick for God, without knowing it. When we go home to Christ there will be a contentment beyond any sense of security and peace we have ever known.”
“5) We will be with Christ (Philippians 1:21–23).
Christ is a more wonderful person than anyone on earth. He is wiser, stronger, and kinder than anyone you enjoy spending time with. He is endlessly interesting. He knows exactly what to do and what to say at every moment to make his guests as glad as they can possibly be. He overflows in love and with infinite insight into how to use that love to make his loved ones feel loved.”
Does that mean we should all commit suicide? Absolutely not. Remember what Paul said. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me…24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.
God has us here on earth for a reason, to carry out specific tasks, and will place us wherever He wants us to be to do those jobs. Paul’s focus was on carrying out the work God gave him to do here on earth. That job was to disciple the people God put him into contact with. That was the fruitful labor that kept him going. His focus was not on himself and his own needs, but on the spiritual welfare of the Philippians, the Colossians, the Thessalonians, the Romans, and anyone else with whom he had been in contact.
Now, in so doing, he was building up treasure in heaven. He was building up God’s Kingdom here on earth. He was not conquering real estate with armies and tanks and planes. He was winning people over to Christ wherever he was.
God talks about this kind of people in Daniel 12: 2 Many of those who sleep in the dust of the ground will awake, these to everlasting life, but the others to disgrace and everlasting contempt. 3 Those who have insight will shine brightly like the brightness of the expanse of heaven, and those who lead the many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever.
Some people will be resurrected to everlasting life, to rewards, to glory. Others will be resurrected to everlasting contempt, to shame, to disapproval. Jesus said in Matthew 10: 32 “Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. 33 But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven.
Bottom line for us is that we will receive benefits from God when we die. Will Jesus be glad to commend us before the Father and the angels and the other saints in heaven? Will we shine like the stars? Or will He condemn us? Will we be ashamed because when God said “Who will go for us” we tried to ignore that call. Or worse yet, we compromised our relationship with Christ by caving in to pressure from the world?
Paul worked hard for that crown he looked forward to receiving. He ran the race God set before him for all he was worth. True, his eyes were on people. But he was looking at them through God’s eyes, looking for ways to lead many to righteousness.
What will your death benefits be?
Malachi 3: 16 Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD gave attention and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the LORD and who esteem His name. 17 “They will be Mine,” says the LORD of hosts, “on the day that I prepare My own possession, and I will spare them as a man spares his own son who serves him.” 18 So you will again distinguish between the righteous and the wicked, between one who serves God and one who does not serve Him.
Widowed 8 months. Your list of questions is perfect. We want to talk about our spouses. The two questions that meant the most to me in 8 months were: "What do you miss the most?" and, "Tell me about J_______."
Thanks Emily. I’ll check them out.
‘to help heal’; good questions
Had the same with both my mom and dad Emily. It’s very tough.
Emily, overall I think this is a good start and I'm glad you consider this a living, breathing discussion. A lot of times, people dealing with this kind of grief due to loss have trouble taking care of some of the basics. Maybe they need someone to get them groceries, cook dinner, mow their lawn, go through their mail. I think it is appropriate to offer to do those things, better than just a vague offer like "let me know if you need help with anything."
I know this is a post about death, but there are other kinds of loss/grief that are of similar importance. Divorce/breakups, job loss, medical issues that take away one's capabilities. Personally, when we found out our daughter was autistic, many people did not know how to respond to that. We got a lot of inappropriate platitudes. If anything, people who want to help should avoid platitudes that make them feel good because they probably don't mean much to the griever. If one does not know what to say, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "I don't really know what to say but I am here to listen." That goes a long way.
"What were you doing when you found out what happened ? How did you react to the news ?"